Here in Vienna typing in the office of Sara Pillhofer, my freind who I met in Ecuador and Peru two years ago. It is the fourth straight day of downpouring rain and it has been declared a national emergency in Austria and other states throughout Europe as flooding has totally isolated many major cities and flooded others several meters. It appears from the news on CNN that this problem has also reached Rome therefore I assume that mom and dad are experiencing something similar down there in Bologna.

In the little exploring I have done of Vienna I have seen the very grand remnants of their empire with Hungary visible in both the size and detailing of the downtown buildings and many outlying palace estates (which are perfectly restored and maintained). Extraordinarily tall and ornate cream-colored buildings topped with uniquely Viennese gold statues, crests and globes cluster around the main ring. This is August and despite the weather the place is wall to wall tourists, so much so one is hard-pressed to find a Viennese person to ask directions from. In any case rain is very disorderly and I suspect that it is not what the viennese had scheduled for this week.

This weekend I went with Sara and her boyfreind Stephan down to their grandparent‘s house in a village in the pre-Alps. A beautiful house on the hillside above the village and made more exciting by the presence of her grandfather Joseph Pillhofer, a famous sculptor and all-round artist in Austria and abroad who just now in the last decade (he is 80 something years old) has begun to get serious recognition. He is one of those gentlemen whos eye is so clear in appreciating optics and appears to be a clear planner in executing his pieces. I asked him all the questions I could and saw the breadth of his work. I especially loved his fat, personality filled line in doing these line drawings of hilltop villages in Europe.

His aesthetic sense had extended to the house itself, the garden and most of the furnishings. The room where I slept was a big, high ceilinged cube with original furniture designed and created by Sara‘s father Markus. It is interesting to note that the Grandfather, Joeph Pillhofer, had samples of paintings done by his own father and granfather and I could actually see a progression in the development of their artistic technique. Does art move down through gernerations? Is the experience of growing up as someone’s child contitute the richest sort of education in the life and way of doing a particular art skill or craft so that if the child chooses to persue something in the same vien they can begin a step further? With this idea in mind: Joseph’s son Markus has become an architect that designs very avant garde, often light and functional furniture and Markus‘ daughter Sara’s apartment boasts the most fantastic interior design with furntiure designed by her father but a kitchen and super post modern bathroom totally installed to perfection by Sara herself.

Since I have arrived here in Vienna four days ago I have been struggling with some strange unknown feelings I cannot name. I think they stem from the intensity and intimacy of my time with Anita in Budpest and this sudden break. I dont know why this aching in my chest, why this dispondency and breathlessness, why my mind does not even wander back her way for fear. Magyar Orszag, Budapesht, Isabella Street, Sziget festival, trams and trainrides. Sigh. Also all of what poetry or writing I have done since is about our chemistry. Please let me just consider the intensity of our union one small taste of the ultimate thrill of being alone with God some day.

I seriously am not proud of any of my feelings about all this (my feelings about me and her are split but I am ashamed of both sides of what I feel for different reasons). My question is: given my lofty stated goals why is it that a beautiful woman seems to trump all other motivations when choices arise (my lust)? And do I truly move on from what I feel for her because I feel that dallying with Anita is away from my ultimate goals or is it her education as a hairdresser and her only stated ambition being to move away from Hungary and have a baby (my elitism and classism) that drive me? Or, are my worries about our incompatibility wise and legitimate? Since I have been trying to see with the eyes of the heart, trying to navigate by them, trying to let open the honey fountain inside me that loves everyone -- is thinking about why I shouldn’t spend more time with someone with whom I THINK there is no future for various REASONS a serious deviation from the heart’s dominion? Or did I feel panic with her in some moments? A whisper that with our intellectual or lifestyle differences I was re-living the mistakes I made with my last and only long relationship: Jessica?